We are in the midst of the holiday season, and – I’ll be honest – the unending pandemic is putting a pall over just about everything. Despite my family being fully vaccinated, we are in the throes of extreme risk analysis with every move – and it’s exhausting.
And, pandemic aside, the reality for many of us is that the holidays can bring on a case of the blues, fraught with feelings of sadness, anxiety, and a sense of disconnection, even in the best of times.
How can we approach the holidays (or any time) that is complex, unpredictable, and filled with a mishmash of emotion?
This year, I’ve decided to focus on self-care and make friends with my all my feelings. The whole stew belongs – the joy, excitement, and anticipation as well as the sadness and anxiety. I’m letting go of expectations and, even more important, giving myself grace.
Here are some ways we can take care of ourselves during unpredictable and emotional times.
Acknowledge and allow.
Emotions – like thoughts and sensations – naturally rise and pass. To ignore them is simply to have them operate below our level of awareness. It was psychiatrist Carl Jung that taught “what we resist persists.” When we acknowledge and allow the existence of our emotions – all of them – we are accepting things as they actually are. Then we expand the possibilities of how to respond. In her book Radical Acceptance, author Tara Brach suggests sending the message You belong to whatever arises. You can try it now: pause, notice what feelings are there, and send the message You belong.
Give yourself compassion.
Compassion is the feeling that arises when we are confronted with our (or others’) suffering and are motivated to relieve it. Giving ourselves care can soothe discomfort and pain and allow us to be more compassionate with others. To give yourself compassion, you can create a mantra that embodies the message: I see you, and I care. Some examples are: May I accept things as they are, May I be protected and safe, and May I be happy. Repeat the mantra, even silently, to evoke the feeling of compassion.
Let go of “should.”
“Should” identifies the presence of a standard. It also sets oneself or others up for falling short. When you should do something but are not, the implication is that you are failing. Consider your expectations of yourself, others, or events themselves. When a “should” appears, try replacing it with could, want to, or will. Then notice how your perspective shifts.
Come back to the present.
It’s easy to get lost in a tangle of thoughts and swirl into rumination and judgment of ourselves or others. And when we do, we’re not present to experience things as they actually are. One way to bring yourself into the present is to consider sensations that are happing right now. Notice the sounds you hear or even the feeling of your body on your chair or your feet on the ground. One subtle trick I use is to rub my index finger and thumb together gently. Try this when you notice your thoughts taking over – then look around to see what’s happening at this moment.
So, this year, with the fifth wave of the pandemic at our door, it’s time to stop, take a breath, and give all those around us – especially ourselves – the gift of grace.
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