Winter is here, and so are the holidays. For many of us, that means a lively time of connection, festivities, and fun. And for others, it is a time characterized by feelings of loneliness and isolation. Whatever the experience, emotions are a part of it – whether we are aware of them or not.
So, how do we approach the swirl of emotions in a way that is receptive, balanced, and supportive?
The natural human tendency is to cling to what is pleasant (Oooh, more pie, please.) and push away what is unpleasant or painful (Be present? Time to check Instagram again!). In other words, we react like a yo-yo based on our momentary underlying emotions with little to no conscious awareness. This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint – needing to react to danger at a moment’s notice – but may be less useful at Thanksgiving dinner.
Another approach is to pause and actually experience our emotions as they are happening. Being aware of our emotions in a balanced (non-reactive) and spacious way allows us to better understand them. And, with practice, we can see that emotions naturally come and go. They are not who we are, but something we experience. And, that means we can choose how to respond to them. Are you in?
Here is my definition of mindfulness, one piece at a time.
Notice your emotions.
The first step to better understanding our emotions is to know what’s there. When we pause and check in, we can learn what feelings are there. Try pausing now. Consider the holidays – the season, the situations and people you will encounter, the expectations – and see what’s present for you. Pay attention to what arises over at least three breath cycles. Allow it to be there.
Label them.
An important part of bringing awareness to our emotions is identifying them. When we label a feeling, we impart some distance. Then we can see that the emotion is an experience, not who we are. We might even see that it changes over time and naturally fades. Try to label whatever it is that you may be feeling, using a single direct word. Calm, calm… or anxious, anxious… Notice what happens to the emotion as you name it. Does it become more intense? Less intense? Does it change? Go away?
Experience emotions in your body.
All emotions are felt in the body (they are called feelings, yes?). And when we practice feeling them, we may notice that each has a particular signature. Become familiar with it. When we pay attention, we see that a feeling is just a constellation of sensations. Take a moment now to actually feel your emotions in the body. Then ask yourself: Where do I experience this feeling? In the throat? Chest? Belly? What does it feel like?
Get curious.
Now that we’ve identified what we’re experiencing and how we’re experiencing it, we can explore how we’re relating to what we’re feeling. When we consider how we’re relating to emotions, like an impartial scientist collecting data, we depersonalize them. (Oh, I am not this feeling.) To give it a try, ask: How am I relating to this particular emotion in this moment? Am I resisting it? Becoming entangled in it? Wanting to act it out or wallow?
Reflect on the meaning.
Emotions are like data; they provide information. If we are willing to be with them (and not simply react to them), we can see them as messengers. And the messages they deliver can inform us how to respond wisely. Better yet, over time they become a source of support, as we develop resources to be with our emotions, even when they are difficult or intense. Oren Jay Sofer, meditation and emotions expert, suggests asking ourselves two questions as we reflect on a feeling: What is this really about? And what is most important about this to me?
So, as we prepare for the holidays this year – and every year – emotions are present. When we bring them into awareness, even for a few breaths, and understand them as temporary, passing experiences that are not who we are, we’re less likely to push them away or act them out. Rather, we can learn from them and then choose how to respond, or just let them go.
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