With three young kids in school (finally, yes!) while we experience the fourth spike in a devastating global pandemic (stay home forever, please), I feel the fear of vulnerability and the desire to influence the conditions of life. And yet, here’s the reality: We are all facing the limits of our control.

Consider the Circle of Influence, a concept that can help us do just that, proposed by Stephen Covey (author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People). To understand this concept, we first need to understand proactivity. Proactivity is the habit of taking responsibility for one’s own life, knowing that behaviors result from our decisions, not external conditions. In other words, living in the driver’s seat of choice rather that reacting to life’s conditions as if they were happening to us.

To illustrate the concept, envision two concentric circles. The larger one is our Circle of Concern and contains anything that has our attention – family, politics, the weather, health, our dinner menu. The smaller circle is our Circle of Influence. Here we can put anything from our Circle of Concern that we can influence, directly or indirectly. For example, we can’t control what others think of us, but we do have influence over our reputation through our actions. And at the heart of our Circle of Influence is what we directly control – how we respond to external conditions through our words, our behavior, and our mindset .

To be proactive – and to be effective – we need to focus our time and energy within our Circle of Influence, especially on conscious choice of our responses to life’s conditions.

The first step to acting within our Circle of Influence is awareness. With awareness, we can bring to light where we may be focusing our energy ineffectively. To do this, we can consider where we’re directing our mental resources. To what are you devoting your thoughts? Does it involve the weakness of others? The state of the world? Is it full of dependencies on outside circumstances? (For example, If they would do this, I would have that.) If we are criticizing, blaming, ruminating over the past, or otherwise not focusing on ourselves, we are beyond our Circle of Influence.

When we consider all that we do (or could) focus on, we realize that much of what happens in life is beyond our influence. So, here’s the bottom line: We are most effective when we focus on our responses to circumstances rather than the circumstances themselves. And we get to choose how to respond. So, rather than focusing on what happened, focus on your attitude moving forward. When faced with a problem, consider it a challenge with lessons to be learned. Then choose a positive response looking through this lens.

Language plays an important role in both revealing and influencing our attitudes. Consciously making choices about our words is one avenue to greater proactivity. According to Stephen Covey, reactive language includes: There’s noting I can do, That’s just the way I am, I have to, I can’t, I must, and If only. This language abdicates responsibility and suggests the absence of choice. In place of those listed above, you can choose empowering statements: Let me look at my alternatives, I can choose a different approach, I will choose an appropriate response, I choose, I prefer, I will. Notice the difference when the language changes.

With increased awareness, a positive attitude, and empowering language, we can then expand possibility and move forward with choice. In this way, our Circle of Influence grows larger. Rather than believing we are determined by external conditions, we can accept the reality of those conditions and choose a positive response to them. Consider the alternatives you create as you approach challenges with a fresh lens and then choose how to respond.

So, why not consider how you can best allocate your time and energy to be effective? While living through a time defined by uncertainty, how can you best allocate your time and energy to move your focus closer to the heart of your Circle of Influence?