The truth of life is interconnection. – Sharon Salzberg
The masks are coming off. And it’s exposing a swirl of emotions, anticipation, and questions. After well over a year of masks, distance, and isolation, getting back to “normal life” feels unsettling and begs the question: How do we move back into the world?
We’ve all been impacted by Covid. And many of us have been scarred. In addition to enduring a global health crisis, we’ve also been gripped and battered by a political crisis and a confrontation with the deep roots of systemic racism. The fractures are undeniable, and it can feel like we’re on one one side or the other of lines that divide.
As our worlds begin to open and merge again, we also have an opportunity. While we can’t control the continued turbulence, we can choose how we respond to it. So, after months of division and othering, perhaps a better question is: How do we choose to move into the world with – not against – others?
One way is with compassion.
Compassion – literally “to suffer together” – is an antidote to shame and othering. It’s a feeling that arises when we are confronted with our or another’s suffering and we feel motivated to relieve it. Research has shown that when we approach ourselves or others with compassion, we feel good and give more; we are better friends, spouses, and parents; and we help create more compassionate societies. Importantly, modeling compassion also influences our kids, therefore our collective future.
According to Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion, compassion has three parts. First, we are mindful that suffering exists. Second, we want to alleviate it. And third, we recognize our common humanity, flawed as it is.
Good news! Compassion can be cultivated, with each of the three parts of compassion providing a path in. Beyond that, cultivating one part reinforces the others. To increase compassion, then, we need to pay attention, give kindness and care, and consider the human experience.
Here are some ways to cultivate compassion toward yourself and others.
Bring awareness to pain.
The first step in giving ourselves and others compassion is noticing the very presence of suffering. As you go through your day, start paying attention to how you talk to yourself. Are you critical of yourself in your statements? This includes judging. Notice the thoughts and feelings you experience. Similarly, how often do others around you denigrate themselves or others? (You need not look further than the daily news here). Simply notice without judgment of the thoughts themselves.
Soothe the suffering with kindness.
When we are on our own side, we build resources to be compassionate with others. And being on our own side involves recognizing the presence of pain and responding to it with kindness and care – the way you would to a good friend. It’s understandable I feel this way. The situation is difficult. May I be free of pain. You can also challenge your inner critic. When critical self-statements arise, understand that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth. Whether or not you believe them is a choice.
Consider our common humanity.
Compassion is relational by definition (again, suffering together). It is borne of the understanding that the human experience is imperfect and that suffering is inherent to it. Simply realizing our shared experience of imperfection can help us feel more connected to others. Another way to cultivate compassion is to put a face to human suffering. Next time you’re in the grocery store or watching the news, look at an individual and try to imagine what their life has been like. What difficult circumstances have they perhaps had to face? What might you have in common with them? What is one positive quality you can see in them?
Collective joy and pain can help us transcend division, so we can use the pandemic and other challenges of the past year as a springboard to knowing that we’re all in this together. Wishing you compassion in moving forward together.
Excellent post! Thank you for sharing these helpful tips. Compassion is so powerful when practiced fully.